Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)