The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
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The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
first you must answer his riddles
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation