[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You Might Also Like
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
scared to check what name she chose
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.