Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
You are not alone 💚
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?