i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
You Might Also Like
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.