got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
What my back needs
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.