next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?