I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
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Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: