Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
good for her
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?