After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.