The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Left at a local drug store…
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog