Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
You Might Also Like
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*looks at you in batman voice*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday