If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
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[adds another nod to the conversation]
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings