I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
*pronounces surface like Versace*
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.