Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
This came to me in a dream.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
🤯🤯🤯
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?