i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
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ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.