Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.