Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.