You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Beware…..
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Discuss
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.