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“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead