Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
how high up are we talkin’?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm