Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.