Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Kermit goes Blue.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”