For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Thoughts
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.