thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side