SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
💯😂
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.