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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.