Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Goodnight 🐶
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.