if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.