Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.