7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.