“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂