Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.