this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
pictures of spider-man
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Same post same
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind