Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do