Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Friday night party time 🥳
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.