Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
respect
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit