We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
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Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[eulogy]
line?
i’m sure it’s fine
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Meow?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
LMAO.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”