He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.