I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?