Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”