Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
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HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
me opening up to someone
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]