I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed