It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My typo game is string.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.