if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
What
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.