Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
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My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
#oldknees
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???