Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I think we should hear other voices.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
What a chick magnet..
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Cashiers are always checking me out
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.