Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You Might Also Like
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.