Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
every single time
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish