Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
I just ran a .003048K
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?